After dinner i was about 60% sure i was going to return it. Now i definitely am! I wish i was taller, i wish clothes didn’t swamp me/make me look frumpy and ‘granny-like’ because they fall in all the wrong places. But alas, i will not dwell on what i cannot change - i am NOT my body, i am my mind. Also, I know my fashion sense isn’t terrible because i have had numerous people at uni telling me how much they love my clothes. Even if they didn’t, i like what i wear and that’s all that matters!
*There’s this guy i quite like. I think…. oh i don’t know really! i guess that was part of the reason i wanted to look nice. But then i shouldn’t feel i need to look a certain way for him to hopefully like me back (i know he won’t anyways). I thought he did, he was being quite forward… but then he’s now talking to this other girl and ignoring me a bit; some girls have told me he’s an idiot for doing so, but i’m now convinced I imagined it all that he might possibly have liked me!
However, when (if) a guy does by some miracle like me, i want it to be for being Sophie. Not what I look like, who I AM. I hope for someone that will be enough. I hope.
Okay so several requests later here is the dress! I do like it, a lot - it’s just quite baggy at the back. The girls on my corridor said that from the front it looks so nice and christmassy, it’s just a shame the back isn’t pulled in more. On the very tall asos model it looked incredible! Oh the poor life of a hobbit :P I guess my feeling is that, as lovely as it is, it’s a lot of money especially considering it doesn’t fit quite as i’d like it to :-/
I don’t know if the detailing is clear on the last photo? Basically silver sequins on cream silk i think :) the brand is ‘needle and thread’ - all the clothes were so nice!
Having the biggest dress dilemma now… can’t decide if i love this dress or if it looks like a nightie! It was quite expensive - i wanted to buy one really nice dress to have for some of these dinners/ new year, and right now i’m just wanting to send it back, anxiety over money, that i look really frumpy in it etc… why oh why am i so ‘lacking’ in the top half of my body?! :P I know my mum would probably be cross if she found out i returned it, as she was so desperate for me to get a nice dress and happy when i ordered one! I’ve seen another nice one online, but then i’m anxious over ordering it and having that much money out of my account, even though this current one would obviously be refunded in a matter of days….
Oh anxieties go away! i just wanted to look and feel comfortable and confident in a really nice sparkly dress… so many girls here look absolutely gorgeous and have beautiful dresses to wear, it does make me quite self-conscious….
*Sophie you are healthy and have a smile that only health and freedom brings. No dress can give you that. That should be enough.
I want someone to face these challenges with - or at least to understand that there are so many challenges i still need to face.
When i told my mum on sunday that i get frustrated myself that “i won’t just go into costa/starbucks and order a frapuccino and a cheesy panini”. My mum responded “don’t worry, i wouldn’t either”. That isn’t the point though. I want to know it is my choice, not my head being governed by these thoughts. A lot of it is still being a bit entrenched by these ‘diabetes rules’ i have lived by for 11 years now. Continually, I am realising more and more just how many limits ‘I’ put on food. It wasn’t really me though. I mean i don’t know who it was? Doctors. Dieticians. Family… no one is to blame here, but we just took it as a given that so many things had to be controlled.
It is still controlling me a bit. I fight everyday to try and push past it, and i am proud of how i have managed so far at uni. But i won’t accept that this is it - that i am not going to ‘recover’ further and eat exactly what i want, when i want. I guess i wish that just someone around me would understand this. Would see how much further i still have to go.
But then maybe i just have to get on with it. Why should i feel the need for a ‘pat on the back’ for a stupid panini/ice-cream? People have their own lives to lead. I have to do this, they don’t need to know anymore of what goes on inside my head. My mum just kept saying how “amazingly well” I’m doing when i saw her, she kept saying it and how healthy i’m looking etc… I am so happy that she is so happy - that i have been able to give her that happiness after bringing so much pain last year. It means everything to me. I don’t want to burst that bubble. Part of me wishes she had responded with “well we’ll go out to starbucks when you’re home for paninis!” Maybe that is really silly of me… even just someone to go and get crepes with at the christmas market.
I’m doing well I think, and i’m happy. But I’m not completely free - i’m not as free as they may think. I won’t stop fighting until I am, but sometimes fighting is harder when no one is aware that you still need to.
So lovely seeing @charrharrison in Exeter today :) good Christmas shopping session and yummy Mexican lunch in Iguanas too = perfect day! She also brought a present down from Dad and the bath Christmas market - chocolate star to join the snowflake light mum got me :) I love my family! #family #homesoon #christmas #excited #sister #visit #uni #homecomforts #festive #pretty
Part of my mum’s “care package” (along with my favourite Pinot Grigio Rosé) was some of my beloved berries :) so I took a few in one of my little plastic pots to put on my breakfast - don’t care what people think, nothing beats berries on porridge!
*the porridge was extra gloopy this morning, so I had to up the ratio of Special K a bit to thicken it up :P still yummy though, with the usual dash of honey. I love berries :)
#breakfast #food #yum #yummy #happy #berries #porridge
So look what mama bought me… Honey cinnamon almonds!!! Aka one of my favourite things at Christmas, but that I didn’t touch last year because of fat/carb anxieties and also the fear I might ‘lose control’ and eat loads and the guilt would overwhelm me.
Well no. My dad was getting some cashews and I told mum I was going to buy some almonds - being lovely mum she said she’d get them for me :)
These helped me through my essay last night - they are divine and, if I like them, why would I not eat them? It’s simple logic, a rationality that the last year has given back to me. I never want to lose that again. Even if i do lose track of how many i eat… what does it matter? Especially at christmas, food is there to be enjoyed and this Christmas will not be spent seeing food as a number…. no!
I had such a lovely day yesterday :) Had some lunch in strada, sitting outside because of Millie - luckily they had heaters, so wasn’t too cold! I got a burger with chicken, wrapped in prosciutto and must have consumed my body’s weight in green beans :P And two cappuccinos (yes, two, as the waiter gave us a second one free for our food being slightly late - why would I say no?! It was 2:30 by the time we are - so hungry!) I have never been a huge fan of strada - after Carluccio’s and Jamie’s it never seems as nice? But can’t go wrong with some chicken!
Dad then took Millie for a walk while mum and I looked around some shops. No luck finding a dress for the debating winter ball :( so I’ve done some online ordering! After we went to look around the Christmas market, which mum and dad LOVED. Bit annoying my blood sugar had shot up, due to a problem with my set I think, but mum got mulled wine and I tried some - quite glad I didn’t get any, it was really strong! Definitely going to have some at the student bar before I go back though :)
Beautiful day, it was so nice seeing mum, dad and Millie - it made my day how happy she was to see me!
My mum is the best :) speaking of… advent time! #carepackage #pinotgrigio #berries #sheknowsmesowell #happy #luckygirl #tlc #missfamily #bestday #visit #cantwaitforwednesday #reunitedwithsister :D